You'll always remain in my heart

Almost in all the houses the younger children calls the eldest son “dhonbe”. I also used to have one. I lost him on 22^nd June 2010. It is the saddest of my life. I was taking a nap with my baby when my father called and told about someone stabbing him and that he was in a critical condition. I was getting ready to go to the hospital when my younger brother called and told me about his passing away. Never had I thought he was killed by Mariyam Nazaha, his ex wife. It was when I went home my father told me Nazaha did it. She stabbed him while he was bending down. The knife has cut through his lung which has killed him. He was only 35 years when he died. What a young age to die.

He had wanted to be a Policeman when he was little. When he turned 15 my mother helped him get in to police. I still remember the first day he came with the salary. He gave each of us rf 5, it is not much these days but back then it was. He cared about us a lot. When my Younger brother Shinaz fasted for the first time in ramzan he went to all the relatives’ houses and said that shinaz is fasting to get gifts. He sat near Shinaz when it was time to break the fast and watched him gobbling food and said to mother “never make him fast again, he is too small”. There were tears in his eyes when he said this.

It was through me that my dhonbe and Nazaha knew each other. She was a girl who was in school with me.She had done things that I believe no human with a heart could do. First thing was leaving her baby in the hospital on the night of her delivery. I and my husband stayed with the baby at the hospital that night when my dhonbe called me at midnight. While he went to search for Nazaha the nurses fed him glucose as baby was crying with hunger. It was my brother who looked after the baby most of the time. One day when she left the house leaving the baby, my brother asked me to talk to her so I went with him and told her that baby is crying. She said “we shouldn’t give that much attention”.What kind of a mother would say that? Moreover how could she kill her only son's father? When that little boy grows up and people tell him that his mother is a killer how would he feel? How would he feel when he knows that his mother was the one who killed his father? Those hands which should have protected him from any injury have left a black scar in his life. Shame to people like herself.

It’s been 6 months for my dhonbe's death but still it’s hard to believe. He was so full of mischief, so full of life. When I think about him I see his smiling face. He had a mischievous smile. I miss him deeply. He calls me when he is in tension. He loves to share whats going on in his life. I wish I had talked to him more. I wish I had spent more time with him. I wish I had never known that girl. I wish this and more. But this if life we have to accept our fate.

His death has left a scar deep inside my heart. I don't think I will ever recover from this. I feel dizzy when I see blood. I can’t bear to see a movie which involves killing because I feel like throwing up. If it rains I keep thinking if he would be cold or if water will get inside his coffin. I keep wondering if he was hungry when he was killed or if he had eaten anything that day. Food reminds me of him. He loved foods. It makes me sick every time I remember that he was killed. When I close my eyes I see him falling down with pain. To forgive I need to forget but this is something I'll never forget therefore I 'll never forgive her for killing my brother. Insha allah my brother will be granted paradise. Allah is the most merciful. To Allah we belong and to him we return.